juliamarie

I started weight watchers, the online version, the day after Thanksgiving. That was Friday, today is Wednesday and I am proud to say I haven’t gone over my points at all!! I’ve also been to the Y to exercise twice since then with plans for 1 or two more this week. If I can keep this up I know I’ll start to see results soon, and that is always the ultimate motivation for me. Once I can feel the weight coming off, it’s so much easier to continue. These difficult efforts suddenly don’t seem futile anymore.

There are a few things about weight watchers that don’t exactly mesh with my healthy thinking. I hate that a handful of almonds or a tablespoon of olive oil are so many points. WW doesn’t really factor in the difference between healthy fats and unhealthy fats in their point calculations. Yet they do encourage you to eat healthy fats, you just have to budget it in with your points. I’m finding it easier right now to revert back to old favorites of mine that are low fat and lower calorie, even though I know in my heart they may not be the most healthy choice. So that’s one dilemma I’m having, but sticking with the plan for now. I knew all of those healthy rules for years, and didn’t really apply them, so if this kind of plan is going to work for me right now, I’ll take it. This is the longest I’ve stayed true to an eating plan in a long time, probably years. Feels good. I know there are going to be situations when I am with family or at holiday times when I’m going to indulge. My sister just keeps reminding me that it’s ok if that happens, just make sure not to chuck the whole plan because of it. She says it’s your habits over the long haul, not what you do on each individual day, that make the difference.

Things have been different…..I have to think of things that will occupy me when I’m home alone at night in front of the computer or watching movies or TV. My favorite things to do during this time for another form of entertainment has been to eat. With no real accountability for what I was putting in my mouth, even if I was counting calories, I just didn’t care. What tasted good made me feel good. Now with the points, I can still enjoy eating at night, just within reason, being the limit of the points. So….mainly I’ve been spending a lot more time surfing the web for weight loss tips, motivation, ww recipes, etc. But I’ll come to an end on that eventually…I’m trying to learn to knit….I know I can always do homework…..it’s just like re-learning how I do things. They say you have to re-learn how to have a cup of coffee, or drive, without a ciggarette when you quit. I think it’s just like that. And most people who have never had to quit high fat/calorie food don’t understand what a powerful addiction it can be…….

addictions….that’ll have to be another post

After my last post, I think I did well eating and staying on track for about 2 days. It’s hard to remember. Soon I had many busy days linked together with little sleep, so by the time classes were over Friday night all I wanted to do was lay in bed, watch television or a movie, relax, and eat something delicious to make myself feel good. WHEN WILL I GET THROUGH MY HEAD THAT LATER, WHEN I LOOK AT MY FAT BODY IN THE MIRROR, THAT PIZZA AND GARLIC BREAD AND RANCH DRESSING DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD?!?!

It’s like a wonderful place that I fantasize about…being able to eat what I want in moderation and keep a fit and attractive body. But unfortunately when I diet, I go all or nothing. I don’t starve myself by any means, but I feel like I’m depriving myself because I don’t allow myself junk, which I’ve found I use just like a mood lifter. I have been using it my whole life. Call it what you want, emotional eating, compulsive eating, binge eating…I don’t know if I could fit into any one category. I’ve read almost everything on the internet about weight loss and what’s healthy and what’s not and tried them all. They work, but it’s only temporary, I go back to my old bad habits eventually. The times that I’ve had the most significant weight losses in my life, have been directly related to traumatic evens or depressions when I wasn’t even exercising or trying to lose any weight.

Unfortunately I was feeling pretty low, but also my thinnest, when I met my current boyfriend, Greg in the early fall of ‘07. I logged one time in at about 146, ( I had an account on here before this one, but it was very out of date so I’ve just decided to start fresh). My current weight, per the exact same scale at my local YMCA is 184. Almost 40 pounds in a little over a year. And the year before that, through eating better and exercising I lost about 30 in a year. So I’ve got some extreme weight yo-yo ing going on. But it happens so gradually it’s easy to not pay attention to. I’ll go months without going to the gym. Hell, I’m still trying to make it three times in one week for the first time in probably over a year.

There’s so much more I could and should be sharing to help pinpoint whats causing my f’d up relationship with food, and my lack of motivation to exercise and stay on track for even a short amount of time. I’ve heard and read it all, and even experienced getting hooked on eating right and exercising and seemingly changing my lifestyle for good. I know the first few weeks are the most difficult. That’s why I’m having such difficulty!!

I’m tired of trying on 10 outfits to see which covers my lovehandles best, and ultimately deciding on the least shapely, most loose and non-sexy garment/hoodie I cam find. I really miss dressing like I felt attractive. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I want to cry every time I try something on that used to fit and no longer comes close.

I’m tired of feeding my feelings!!! It really sucks because as a childhood picky eater I got hooked on: carbs,  cheese, fats and oils like butter, and junk food. I ate almost no meat or veggies. And as I’ve developed into an adult, those tastes carry on. I still don’t like most veggies, and have to force myself to eat them. I eat hardly any fruit, I have to force myself to. It’s not that I don’t like the taste of fruit, it’s just that if there’s something that tastes better and satisfies my senses more, I opt for that. I don’t even understand how I can have such an addictive problem with binging on junk food, not just junk food, but ANYTHING I want basically any time day or night I can get in some way. It’s this country and society partially, but also just me and how my relationship with food developed. I need to stop and think how messed up that is, and think about people in the world just wondering where their next calories will come from to keep their bodies running. Ugh….what a rant…if there’s anyone who actually read through this whole post, congratulations. Welcome to my case study and a half. It’s important for me though, I think, to have a place to put these feelings in writing, not so much to be held accountable by others, but also for myself.

One more time I need to remind myself that I am tired of feeling like the fattest woman in the room. I’m not obesely overweight, but I’m about 30 over for my “healthy weight” medically, and in my opinion for my frame.  And I’ve got to do something about it.

I hate setting deadlines for myself, and I have already begun my plan, but I know it’s Thanksgiving on Thursday, and I’m cooking with my sister, so I know I will just make myself feel bad if I try to set limits on that day. After that though, it’s right back on the horse.

Like last night, after a first full day of eating nutritiously and also having a great gym workout, I had a fight with my boyfriend, and actually used that as my excuse of why it was ok for me to drive to the convenience store to buy fritos and nacho cheese dip. Oh also white bread and butter (don’t know, had a craving)…and I ate, felt satisfied for a minute and during, then felt like absolute crap after. Went right to bed. Awful.

But you see, I’m blogging today, and back on track…I hope to have a healthy eating day and a workout. I guess for me it’s going to be one day at a time for me for awhile.

I read a great quote somewhere about choices, I’m I’m trying to make it my mantra…

“Every day I make hundreds of choices; each one is a choice to be healthy and work toward my goals, or to give in to temptation and set myself back.” I hope and pray to make healthy choices today.

So, as you can tell by my corny title, I am finally at the point that I’ve had enough. My clothes aren’t fitting me, I’m feeling a lack of self-confidence, my boyfriend (although I think this is so wrong and mean) has commented negatively about my weight gain, and I don’t feel healthy. I am a 5′6” female, weighing just about 180 lbs. I carry it pretty well, and especially in the winter, I feel more confident because I cover up with hoodies and jeans.

But I really miss what I used to look and feel like only a year ago. That year I had made many choices that aided in my looking and feeling slimmer and healthier. At my lowest point, about a year ago, I was 145-150 lbs. So almost 30 has come back on in one year. I’m very unhappy about it. I’ve made various attempts throughout the year to get control of my eating and my weight, but none of them lasted more than a few days. I just seem to lack the motivation to get to the gym, and exercise feels like a chore. And my willpower to resist junk food is poor. I give in to myself as a reward for a good day, a bad day, or a bored day. I love the taste of fattening junk foods like pizza, chips, pasta, butter, etc. And most of this comes from a long history of being a picky eater. As a child I ate no meat or vegetables. This was purely because I didn’t like the taste. As I got older I realized I liked the taste of a select few meats, but they are the WORST and least healthy ones; pepperoni, salami, bacon. So ideally I would like to avoid these altogether, thus making me a vegatarian.

If only I ate more vegetables. As I grew up, I unfortunately haven’t developed a taste for vegetables, unless they are covered in dressing, butter, or cheese. I can make a decent salad with the veggies I like, but this is only productive if I use a low fat dressing, which are hard to come by if you like tasty dressings.

Currently my diet goes from one extreme to the other in the course of a day, or a matter of days. I’ll do really well most days during the day, and blow it at home at night either by eating something fat-and-calorie full, or just pigging out on my healthy snacks, eating a whole days worth of calories in one sitting. It’s almost compulsive. It’s very hard to argue with myself once I’ve decided to order a pizza. I feel like I’m depriving myself. When really I’m depriving myself of a healthy, happy, slimmer self.

Ugh…I have some issues with food, that much is clear. I eat emotionally all the time. I’m trying to re-program my body to think of eating and re-fueling. Providing my body with nutrients and energy to perform. Instead of eating for pleasure. It’s a really hard task.

Another thing I need to get straight is that exercise is absolutely necessary, for me at least, to lose weight. A little over a year and a half ago, I began living this way of thinking and I lost all 30 of these lbs in 3 to4 months. I didn’t even completely restrict myself all the time, I just tried to find a balance. So I know I can do it. I am tired of feeling like a fat pig, and indulging blindly in the behaviors that make me feel that way. It’s time to pay attention, take the responsibility, and stop doing this to myself.

I welcome advice from anyone about any part of this struggle I’m having with diet and nutrition, getting motivation to excercise, and rebuilding my relationship positively with food and my body.